November 9, 2005

Being me....

Being an Izham,

I was admitted into the boarding school when I was 13. Being arrogant, very reserved and hot-tempered, i think i was the best person around. I do think that i'm able to do everything. Lucky there were seniors to beat me up, to teach me that i'm not the only person living in the school. They taught me to take those bullies as to learn how to tolerate things. I was hit so bad so that I learn that anything bad will happen to me, no matter what, when and where.

I wish i can have the same room mates; Suji, Mamak, Eres, Matsin, Fadzil Selamat, Sam, Big, Zamani, Burn, Safree, Jin, Hasid, Ameng, Kerol, Ravih, Arm. You guys are Fantastic! Not to mention Telor, Ucuk, Anan, Fizam, Badak,Mark, Kili, Yasin (guitar mates), Latip, Aizul.. i cannot remember every single one of them.

I learnt a lot of things in the school. I learnt physics, which is the most important thing i've ever realized, that grew my interest towards computers, guitars, cars and DIY. I learnt biology that tells me the importance of having a gf, so i started to have girlfriend since when i was in form one (i had 3 steadies, and a few spares), not to mention all the kakak angkat, and also seniors who hit me every single night for being his gf's pet brother. (ooohh... hehe). I learnt chemistry that later taught me the ingredients of good foods, that helped me how to be a good cook. I failed my 1119 English paper, that later i sent myself to an Extended TOEFL English class (with my hard earned money, working at a car-wash during Ramadhan after SPM) to pass the mock IELTS exam with Level 3.

In the college, friends taught me to love them. I was taken care by my housemates when i was hospitalized, resulting from an accident, a night before my examination. They even cried for me, accompanied me and even sleep in the hospital, just for being housemates and friends (you guys are really my soulmates). I remembered someone told me, if she happens to be my gf at that time, she will surely had taken care of me day and night, and i still wish it will become true. My friends taught me to become a super kewl guy, and i managed to control my temper. But after the accident, i turned to be somekind of talkative.

(My original housemates; Omen, Wira, Efdza, Romdzi, Taiko, Lego, Bigan, Tobiaq, Azman Minha, Adik, Zaidee. Additional, Giant, Farok and all other ITTM mates who always lepak at my house every single night. I love u guys so so so much!)

Being talkative, it grew even more when i broke off, thus urged me to open a blog to redirect my talkative behaviour into words. I can talk talk talk talk talk talk... non stop. What's happening to me? I've become soft hearted, sensitive (but i always cover it up by saying this and that, and when people scold me, i will just laugh, not to show my exact feeling, and when I saw something touching, i will walk to the kitchen while laughing to everybody, which actually, i'm trying to stop my tears from being seen by others). It's like having a girl's soul & heart.

But, from the bottom of my blackened heart, i have a deep revenging lust. Lusts of doing erroneous things that no one will never expect me to do. I was actually very fragile to provocation, i will just blaze off like a bomb. Just like a girl, i think.

Life has really taught me how to become 'Izham', as what I am now. I hate the word 'perfectionist' but somehow, someone said that i am. I'm not a perfectionist, but sometimes, i just prefer things to go well.

Being me also, my weight is always fluctuating. A day before raya, my weight was 67kg. 3 days after, it reached 72kg. Now it turned back to 68kg. Even when I was at 70kg, people kept telling me, "Wah, kurusnya sekarang!!" (wow, you are thin now!!)

I was partly happy to be me, as I'm able to visit my dearest friends like Wira and Romdzi, at their home last nite. Wira has just got a baby boy (eh tina, kita macam samala got new born babies around), which his wife delivered through a caesarean operation. Romdzi's wife is confirmed pregnant for about 14 weeks (about 3 months rite?).

You know what? Wira, Romdzi and Efdza did helped me when I was about to wee-wee when i was in the hospital. Omen and Taiko cried by my bed in the hospital, at 2Am in the morning, the night i was just knocked by that girl's car. Omen and Gulong went up and down from KL, Kuantan and Melaka to see me at home. At the moment i saw them at my home, I was strong enuff to walk without my walking stick, even though my knee was not completely recovered. How I wish, she was my girlfriend at that time, I'm sure i will have the best ever time in the hospital, because even without her, it was still the best experience being warded in the hospital, ever!

The best 3 and a half years of my life was when I was with her. She taught me a lot more meaning of sharing and love. Being appreciated, being most loved. Not everyone will do stupid things but i did. It didn't work out, but it will always remain as the best thing ever happened in my life. Being me, it's really hard for me to fall in love, truly being in love. There are times i was too emotional, especially when it comes to love thingy. I was never meant to put her away, out of my life, but being too emotional, it drives me to do a lot more stupid things, saying bad things, making her sad heart becomes even more sad, as an additional to the already stupid things i have done so so much.

Being me now?

For the last 3 and a half years, I've been really missing her, every single thing about her, so so much!

For the last 5 and a half years, I've been working. 2 years with love and 3 and a half years without. 5.5 wasted years of working. Why can't I be just like other people who had already succeeded like Keme, Mel (Gee's wife) or a friend i'm going to tell about below?

Like today, I woke up in the morning, bathed and went off to Sri Hartamas, seeing someone who I have never expect to be someone I can proud of, Megat Hisham (who we used to call 'Paus' means whale in Malay). I would say he's a very good example of quite a successful businessman, owns his own business and opened a branch of Mutiara Motors. He himself is driving a Toyota Caldina, a 2.0 liter which I've never expect it to be turbo'ed. It was a nice and very fast car indeed! The best thing happened when I met him was, I was called by a friend telling me that there's a big opportunity back in Johor!

I went to Mid Valley. The first store I walked into was the MPH bookstore. Suddenly I saw a very familiar face. He was indeed looked very much nicer than how I used to see on TV. He's Datuk Sri Dr.Chua Jui Ming, a Malaysian ex-Minister. Instantly, it reminds me of the moments i went to his Chinese New Year's open house in Muar years ago. And just recently I met his brother, Datuk Chua Jui Ling in a Berbuka Puasa event in Pulai Springs resort in Johor. I said hi to Datuk Chua Jui Ming, and he was quite happy as someone talking to him. I did asked him, what he's doing now. He simply said, enjoying life. I told him, the last time i met him, he was not as handsome as this! He laughed!

Then in Jaya Jusco, I met Nizal, one of the TV3 programme host. He's so surprised when i said hi and reminded him of an incident happened in the TV3 studio, once ago. He laughed too! I made two total strangers laugh today!

Then, I walked alone in the mall, waiting for my so called sister, Ines to come over to have dinner with me. Was walking alone all over the places, imagining how nice if i can walk there with someone i really love. I saw a lot of girls walking alone, but I can't hardly see any male walking alone (what does that actually indicates?)

Howla I wish i can turn back the time so that I can fix things back to how i want it to be. I want to be 8 years back from now, before that every single beautiful things began so that I will know what to do, to avoid bad-bad things happened to me in the past to be happening again in that rewinded life.

But this life is just about being me. Sometime, I may have to agree that someone said that all this while, it was all about me. Is it? I don't know.

And now, i just want everyone i know, or related to my life, to be happy, especially my family.


* by the way please visit my sister's blog

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